Underneath the Funny | A Personal Story



I've always been the "funny one", the one that makes a fool of herself to get a laugh. I don't know why I feel the need to make people laugh so much, maybe it's because when there is no laughter I get drug down into somewhat of a scary place...a place that is filled with a certain darkness and self doubt. I'm going to be completely honest with you,.... I struggle with depression. "What?!"..you say. "You have so much! You have the best husband in the world, three adorable kids, a great job, and most of all a God that laid down his life so that you could spend eternity with Him in Heaven!! Yes, yes, I'm aware of all of my blessings and I'm very thankful, so VERY thankful, but yet sometimes I can't rise above the heaviness that pulls me down. I feel like a failure so many times because I DO have so MUCH to live for, so much to make me happy, yet I find myself wanting to curl up in a ball and cry....I think to myself, why can't I shake this? What's wrong with me?..the answer is...nothing. Nothing is wrong with me, I have a chemical imbalance and it's ok. It's ok. God loves me and His mercies are new every morning....EVERY morning. I hope you don't think I'm a "crazy", because I'm not. (or at least I don't think I am, lol...) It's not like I walk around in a constant state of depression, I have more of a seasonal depression. So, if you see me walking with a big, bright light around my neck in the winter, you'll know why! Also, depression can manifest itself in many different ways. Some people start harmful habits (which, I did...but that's for another blog post for another day), and some people are just down right angry.
So, why did I share my hidden secret that only my close family and friends know about?? I don't really know why, but maybe you do....maybe you've found yourself feeling down and lonely. Maybe you've reached the end of your rope and you think you can't make it another day....But, you can rest assured that there is Hope. There is hope in Jesus Christ... (and Prozac!). See...there I go trying to be funny again....
I've never taken a self portrait before....in fact, I didn't even know how to take one until I looked it up in my camera's manual tonight. I thought I'd try and convey what I sometimes feel...


Even though I sometimes feel this way....it's not how I feel the majority of the time, I usually am truly joyful. But when the darkness does start to pull me under....I pray. I pray for God to protect me from my emotions...from the lies that fill my head. If this is you, please seek help, because you're not alone. Talk with a friend, your pastor, me...talk to someone.
I apologize for being so depressing (great choice of words, I know!), I promise next time I'll talk of puppy dogs and rainbows...but for now I'll leave you with a song that speaks to my heart...and hopefully it will speak to yours.
(please pause the blog music player on the side of the page before you push play..)


12 comments:

  1. I wish my Self-Ps turned out half as amazing as your's! W.O.W.

    I struggle with several chronic illnesses, and they are often accompanied by depression. I think some days I tell jokes simply so I won't break down.

    Thank you for sharing! ~Naomi K

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  2. Thanks Nicole. I've had a REALLY rough week and sometimes I feel like I am the only one. While I'm not thankful that we both get down and depressed sometimes, it is nice to know that God shows us other people just like us who are struggling and that we can make it work with Him by our side!!
    In Him,
    Casey

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  3. {HUGS} Thank you for sharing your story and your struggle, at times, with being... well, human. A truly real person with real feelings and real doubts. You are an amazing photographer and give gifts to people daily, capturing memories... Thank you for your talent, for your blog, and for who you are. You are truly special!!

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  4. Good post! Great Pics! I hope this helps shed some light on depression for those that may not really understand it. Also, I hope it was uplifting for you. :)

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  5. Thanks for posting I feel that way quite a bit lately and it is nice to know I am not the only one! I find myself eating when I get depressed though so then I gain weight and that makes me even more depressed! I hate feeling so alone all the time! But I know that it is all in God time not mine. Love ya and miss hanging out with u! U r such an amazing person and dont forget that! This is kristy Owens but I don't know how to post that! Lol

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  6. Thank you for sharing with us Nicole. No apologies needed hun. You are truly an amazing & inspirational woman! Keep your head high & stay strong. You have an over abundance of love from family, friends, clients & God who are right there beside you.

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  7. Thanks for your truth....your vulnerability. You are even more real and more lovable (if possible) because of it! Love you!

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  8. Thank you Nicole! I think so many feel this way at times and won't admit it. Love you for your honesty!

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  9. EVERYONE has apersonal story. I am just glad Karaline and Rob picked a honest, caring and truthful person to cpature their special day...09/10/11. You can be "puppy dogs and rainbows" or "darkness and self doubt" we accept you just as you are... :)

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  10. thanks so much for all of your support! I truly appreciate all of you!!

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  11. God Bless You.

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